People who:

• say they don’t like Johnny Cash are either ignorant or lying.
• are over 40 and have no hint of a laugh line are not to be trusted.
• constantly complain about the same old things that are completely under their own control tend to fall out of my life.
• fail to return shopping carts to the store or a cart corral in my presence risk severe and sustained public humiliation.
• bring 11 items to the express lane don’t bother me, nor do people who bring 40 (because clearly, from their usual body language and behavior, they didn’t see the sign, and honest mistakes are just that)—but I want to kick the shifty jerk with 17 items right in the ass.
• terrorize women and children in their own homes make me wish I believed in a fire-and-brimstone hell.
• obstruct volunteer efforts (at schools and churches, for example) for trivial reasons tend to be the same oxygen-stealing malcontents who get way too excited about homeowner’s associations.
• allow unambiguous extremists to define the side of a debate they’re predisposed to dislike, then feign interest in constructive discussion, earn my complete disregard.
• ring my doorbell after dark better be well acquainted with me, delivering something, or requesting assistance with a genuine emergency.
• teach their children that farting and burping are never to be laughed at under any circumstances are too damned uptight.

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