There’s a “traffic is so bad around here” thread in hsv.general once a year or so: why can’t people use turn signals, what’s so hard to understand about “slower traffic keep right,” and so forth. I don’t often enter these bleatfests, but when I do I usually invite the complainant(s) to visit Atlanta or Washington D.C. and get back to me.

In the realms of humor and commentary, driving is right up there with air travel: beaten excessively and only marginally amusing to start with. So I promise I’ll keep the driving gripes infrequent. That said, here’s my peeve that I don’t think gets enough press:

Regularly I see motorists who insist on attempting lengthy and/or complex left turns that are difficult anytime but 3 a.m., and essentially impossible at rush hour or lunch without stopping multiple lanes of traffic in multiple directions.

To anyone reading who does that: you are being an obnoxious asshole, and no, I will not help you. I don’t wish to be integrated into your disaster in case we have a misinterpreted headlight flash or nod somewhere amongst the five or six motorists whose simultaneous cooperation and inconvenience your selfish plan requires. And plus, I find your total lack of consideration appalling and unbecoming of a member of modern western civilization.

In fact, given the opportunity, I will place the Bomobile directly in front of your vehicle and I will laugh at you.

For those in my part of the world, here are some scenarios representative of what I’m talking about:

• Perp is leaving the gas station on the southwest corner of University and Jordan and attempting to turn north onto Jordan from the east exit
• Perp is leaving Madison Square Mall and attempting to turn north onto Old Monrovia from the northernmost exit on the east side
• Perp is attempting to turn east onto Madison Boulevard from Celtic Dr.

You know? Those people?

Turn right and turn around!